Rotting sugar cane

My voice pushes against
the air within my lungs, and
I'm reminded that 21%
of oxygen simply isn't
enough to sustain breath.

Paying no mind to how others
might misconstrue - dig and
analyze the stolen artifacts before
them, theft of my truth,
I allow the fire from my
steps to fuel the swaying
of my hips and occupy the space
I stand in, a luxury womyn
of sabor will recognize.

A lioness, I loosen my dark
mane - my heroine's cape
cascading down my back. I spin
around, flex muscular thighs, and
remove the shawl shielding
my shoulders and my neck:
my jugular exposed.

He offered me a drink and
I linger, intrigued with
the pintas on his shoulders, his
skin cor de café, and his
scent of figs and lilies. An
enchanting bi-product of
intense miscegenation.

When he later draped an arm 

around my waist, I ignored

the pinching of my shoulder
blades and distractedly
inhaled the scent of

water lilies. 

On the dance floor, we bobbed.
Always in sync, and still I cringed
when he called me beautiful,
an accusation I'd grown both
tired of and accustomed
to, but on we swooned.

He wrapped his arm around
my waist pulling with enough
force to make me stumble into
him, the space between our
bodies gone. Instead of
flowers, I smelled the rotting
fermentation of sugar cane.

I'd forgotten how easily
men physically overpower
me. One grip tight around my
wrist, pulling my stiff arm around
his neck, he pinned against a
wall, and I looked on for rescue
that never came. Detaching

from my body as fingertips clumsily

pressed down my sides: over my
hip, lingering at the seem of
my underwear, pulling up my dress.

Embarrassed and weak, I pried
insistent claws away as he

shouted drunkenly about the
quality of the Brazilian ass,
as if to describe the quality of
meat, and I'm reminded
that to be a Latinx is to have
your skin defiled, and
still be expected to dance.

At war with myself

"When we observe a woman who seems hostile and fiercely independent some of the time but passive, dependent and feminine on other occasions, our reducing valve usually makes us choose between the two syndromes. We decide that one pattern is in service of the other, or that both are in the service of a third motive. 

She must be a really castrating lady with a facade of passivity—or perhaps she is a warm, passive-dependent woman with a surface defense of aggressiveness.

But perhaps nature is bigger than our concepts and it is possible for the lady to be a hostile, fiercely independent, passive, dependent, feminine, aggressive, warm, castrating person all-in-one.

Of course which of these she is at any particular moment would not be random or capricious—it would depend on who she is with, when, how, and much, much more. But each of these aspects of her self may be a quite genuine and real aspect of her total being."

Walter Mischel, psychologist, as quoted in Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point (emphasis added) 

I don't want to change the world

I used to hold the earth between the palms of my hands and squint. The corner of my nostril curling upwards in disgust, reacting to a foul smell in the air - pollution emitting from the gruesome thing before me.

What a senseless place, I thought then, and scrutinized it between my fingers...poking and prodding, shaking my head from side to side and dripping with condescending arrogance. If only they could see what I see. That would be enough.

Ah, but I was childish and naive.

No, I don't want to change the world.

I used to call them to follow me. Just listen, I cried impatiently... 

Just see the way I see. I thought, if only they would understand my infallible command.

But no, not anymore. I don't want to change the world.

No, not anymore.

I bounced the thing up and down, tossed it aside, picked it back, placed gently on a mantlepiece...and screamed, what are these blemishes I see?

Tired and confused, forgotten... the thought occurred to me:

No, no more.

I don't want to change the world.

A response to Kate Kelly's excommunication

Disclaimer: I have not chosen a side in this ideological debate... yet - perhaps I never will. I have so many emotional ties to both sides of the case of Kate Kelly's excommunication, and I feel like a whole person being asked to tear herself in half when I'm pressured to choose one. I haven't been able to. I can neither condemn the leaders of the LDS church and the institution as a whole, nor can I condemn Kate Kelly's Ordain Women and advocacy for women's issues.

When I think of the General Authorities, I think of men who are generally kind. You might think me naive, but I remember the first time my searching eyes met with Pres. Eyring's when I was 18 years old and choosing between attending a church-affiliated university over an ivy league offering me a full ride scholarship. I wanted so desperately to just make the right decision.

On a college-visit sponsored by local clergy,a small group of us had a private visit from Eyring, a present-day prophet of the Mormon faith. I could tell from our short communication that he sincerely cared for me (a complete stranger).

In a hardened world, before me stood a man with a soft heart (a difficult task for men growing up in a society that tells them it is desirable to be unfeeling and powerful). He was willing to give of his time and love to total strangers. I do not know any of the leaders of the Mormon faith personally beyond that encounter, but I cannot imagine them as men who willfully harm or choose to bring about suffering. Though some of their decisions may lead to such, I cannot believe their intention is ever to do so. And in spite of the popular claim that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions," I happen to believe that the road to heaven is not built much differently.

And so, in regards to Kate Kelly...I must testify that I know what it is like to be a woman that does not fit a particular stereotype in this day and age. I KNOW what it is like to wish that it were possible for you to shed your flesh in shame as a result of the regret some would bestow on us for having been born a woman. I know the opportunities that are missed, the pressures that are experiences, the harassment and embarrassment that are possible, and the precautions one must develop as a sixth sense.

I also know what it is like to be a woman in the gospel - a woman who does not fit a certain mold and whose ideas sometimes seem contrary to popular opinion...but not the gospel doctrine in and of itself...to be a woman who wishes to follow Christ and live his gospel as is interpreted by the LDS faith, while simultaneously living a life that is authentic and honorable to you.

Do I personally align myself with OW? No...not quite. I can't...because I actually don't feel equipped to make that decision yet.

However, it would not rock my world or shatter my religious foundation to admit that I do not feel at peace with the current practices we have surrounding the treatment of women in the LDS Church. It would not rock my world were it to be revealed that women too may hold the priesthood. I cannot truthfully state that I would be disappointed or devastated with such an outcome.

I found it hear-wrenching to learn of Kelly's excommunication yesterday (not necessarily because I have an incredibly strong conviction of whether or not her punishment was warranted, but because of the subsequent ideological warfare that ensued).

And I will not stand behind either condemnation. I cannot. I know better.

 So my heart goes out to you and to us...it goes out to my dear friend Ruby, with whom I mourned when I heard the news and whose grief has been so real she felt inclined to ask me to try to make sense of these feelings we are having because we cannot do it alone.

Maybe that's the mark we're missing?

On Mormon media choices: what to consider when "what-would-Jesus-do" fails

Today's post requires some background. There's a popular article floating about the Mormon facebook scene called "Stop it with the R-Rated Movies Thing." I found the article itself fairly mild, but I had to stop myself from laughing and cringing at some of the response it received, and the discussions it brought on. The following post is a response to some of the comments found below the article.

Two comments stuck out to me: one which suggested that the world is always black and white (so you're either on God's side or against it?) and another that stated that if Jesus wouldn't do something, than that makes the action not worthwhile, and perhaps even evil. The following is my response to both comments.

Also, today's post will mainly target a Mormon audience, and those familiar with Mormon culture. Some ideas might be difficult to understand from the outside, but I did my best to reference and add details where I thought it might help those who were curious to read on.

Feel free to add your own ideas below.

_________________________________________________

Okay, you're right. I'm not sure that Jesus would sit down and watch The Green Mile with me, or any movie for that matter. We'd have WAY bigger things to do - things I'd rather do if Jesus just decided to pop in for a visit…like discuss what on earth I'm doing with my life, whether He understands the decisions I've made, and if He thinks I'm an okay person in spite of mistakes x, y and z…maybe we'd go fishing and talk philosophy.

So I believe that "what-would-Jesus-do?" is sometimes a weak argument, even though it might be incredibly inspiring under the right circumstances.

There are a LOT of things that Jesus would do and would not do that have nothing to do with morality. People are motivated to act by a number of different things - values, personalities, culture, preferences - to name a few. Many actions do NOT fit into a neat morality box. In fact, I'm going to argue that MOST decisions we are asked to make do not easily fit into a black and white morality box, and that this is done on purpose to make us more beautiful human beings.

I choose to share this picture because I want to point out that weddings customs vary between cultures, but that doesn't make it wrong. For instance, you don't have to wear white to have a legitimate wedding that pleases God. God does not "command in all things" (D&C 58:26). He actually wants us to choose and to make decisions. Not everything is clearly defined for us. We're not meant to be lazy thinkers.

Think about it this way…if Jesus were around, He might have bigger things to do than join the Boy Scouts, play the piano, play volleyball, or eat out at a very fancy restaurant with his disciples…Jesus might not wear what I wear or listen to the music I listen to, but that doesn't make those activities inherently evil. Not everything is a matter of morality…good and evil. Sometimes things are just a matter of personality or preference. Please read the following comment from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (a well-known and respected Mormon spiritual leader).

Sometimes we confuse differences in personality with sin. We can even make the mistake of thinking that because someone is different from us, it must mean they are not pleasing to God. This line of thinking leads some to believe that the Church wants to create every member from a single mold—that each one should look, feel, think, and behave like every other. This would contradict the genius of God, who created every man different from his brother, every son different from his father. Even identical twins are not identical in their personalities and spiritual identities (Read the full talk [sermon] here).

Sure, some things are black and white...but we don't live in a black/white world, especially once you've got things like "thou shalt not steal" down on lock. C'mon. And even then, if some poor kid is hungry and starving down in Brazil because he was born under inopportune financial circumstances, I reserve the right to believe that God will not condemn him or her for stealing food. Things are complicated. Life is a very complex place for everyone. 

Here's another example. I went to BYU-Idaho for college. Did God expect me to go there? Probably not, but I bet He expected me to learn life lessons from the experiences I created at whichever institution I chose to attend. He expected me to choose where I wanted to go to school and what profession I wanted to pursue, and to lean into my power to choose. I'm learning more everyday that life is all about choices.

As far as I'm concerned, a HUGE part of mortal life is learning to navigate the gray with the help of the Spirit (what you might identify as a conscience), which guides us individually when we don't have clear cut answers like "thou shalt not kill." And again, even in the Bible (Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac in Genesis 22) and Book of Mormon (Nephi slayed Laban in 1 Nephi 4:10 for the greater good of mankind) we find examples of times when God allowed for variation under special circumstances because we live in a complex and imperfect world, and a specific situation might call for unique actions. 

So, killing people? Not okay, generally speaking. 

But even with something most people can agree on, like taking away someone's life, things get complicated. We live in a world where war unfortunately exists, and where self defense might bring harm to a perpetrator. Does that make it okay? No. But should we condemn soldiers, for instance? I'm gonna say absolutely not, even though I'm not the biggest fan of warfare.

We're on earth to learn to live a higher law than the basics…to learn and become incredibly and willfully awesome… not to blindly follow, so I resent some of the comments that admonished me to "just do it." I don't buy into that kind of psychology. I believe in a God that wants me to care about the choices I make, whose entire purpose for putting me on this earth was to learn to choose. By Mormon doctrine, blind "obedience" was Satan's idea. Our Heavenly Father wanted us to learn and become more like them...agents unto ourselves...not silly puppets being controlled without thought or without wrestling with complicated things. 

A really good friend once admitted to me that he worried that Mormon religion made people stop thinking because it was too easy to just go with the flow and buy into the culture. He was afraid that it made it easy for me to forget to live purposefully. I fought him so hard when he suggested it - I was very upset. I did not want to accept it. But if I'm being honest, I actually can see the danger associated with going with the flow...not just for Mormons, but for group of people who allow common trends and popular ideas to govern their own thinking without ever really questioning them. It's really easy to, especially on things that are not morally black and white. My hope is that we never forget to live - really live - a thoughtful life.

So back to our topic: watching rated-R movies. 

Personally, I don't have a problem with anyone who chooses not to watch rated-R movies. I had some roommates in college who chose to take it one step further and watch only PG movies because that works for them. That's great. It doesn't work for me, but it's for them to decide. I've got enough problems of my own to keep me busy. 

For my Mormon friends, Article of Faith 11 encourages us to worship according to the dictates of our conscience and allowing all others the privilege to do the same. Boy, I did NOT understand that as a teenager, and I was incredibly judgmental because of it. I was young, so I'm not gonna lose sleep over it, but I did miss out on some great opportunities to learn about empathy, compassion, and true love.

Scroll down on the above link and you'll find that Article 13 invites us to seek after all things that are of good report and praiseworthy. That search for truth and good can come in a VERY diverse way for different people. Remember the words of President Uchtdorf, we are not meant to all be one mold. We're meant to bring our diversity to the table and to unite as a human race. In face, here's another quote I love from President Uchtdorf:

One might ask, “If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?” 

Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple... 

In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restored by a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the Church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves. (Read full talk here).

And for those reasons, I choose to not make it my responsibility to fight people who want to watch a rated-R movie, or to judge them as wrong. It's up to each person to decide how to live the gospel in their lives. It's not up to me, or to anyone else.

Having watched The Green Mile, I have to say that the message that sticks with me was not what some suggested in the comments. It was not "let's have crazy amounts of lustful sex and commit random acts of horrible violence"…In fact, it taught me the exact opposite.

The Green Mile taught me about the value of sacrifice, and of being a the best person you know how to be no matter what cost. I inspired me to actively fight against racism and discrimination, and how being close-minded makes people act like idiots and make regrettable decisions. It also reminded me that miracles can come from the most unexpected places. 

My take away revolved around the idea that I should believe in the good that exists within people and that I should continuously keep giving out good, in spite of the awful things that happen in this world, or the hurtful things that happen to me…in spite of how bad people can be (or how bad I can be at times)...there is still hope.

Yeah, I'm the kind of Mormon that watches rated-R movies. NOT ALL OF THEM. Just like I don't watch all PG-13 movies, or PG movies. I think about the things I watch, and decide if it's worth my time. I didn't exactly grow up in a culture that taught me in this clean cut way. There is no MPAA ratings in Brazil, so I evaluate and make educated decisions about the kind of entertainment I engage in.

In spite of that, I still think I'm a solid person that God wants on His side. Trust me, I've done worst, but I still believe I'm worth saving. 

I am not either a good, God loving person or not because I live a "gray" lifestyle. I sincerely hope to never believe life is that simple. I don't believe growth can happen if we never open ourselves up to the idea that we might not have all the information, and that other people might see something I don't see somewhere I don't see it.

Here's a thought from a great article I read this week on Feminist Mormon Housewives:

My hope for my church, and ultimately for the world, is a community of open-minded individuals who don’t see the differences between us as a line in the sand that segregates and fuels our fears, but embraces these differences and celebrates that we are all children of Heavenly Parents who made us this way with a divine purpose. 

I believe a lot of life is how you interpret it.

So if you watch The Green Mile because you wanna get off on depicted scenes of rape or murder, than that might be what you take away...but it's not what everyone takes away.

Bottom line: I'm not going to tell another Mormon that they can't find good in questionable places because I know I'm still good... and I'm fairly questionable. I'm also not gonna say you NEED to watch it to learn the above lessons. You don't. You can learn them in different ways. So, just do what works for you, and keep it between you and the God you believe in.

You are right though…I might not sit and watch the 3+ hour movie with Jesus if He dropped in for a random visit some day, but I would definitely discuss some of those controversial take aways with Him, maybe over some raspberry-flavored tea, and hope that He could help me shed some light onto some of the questions I still have about life.

Beyond the formula

I've always been wired to follow the formula.

X + Y - Z = My Happiness

Of course, the variables differ from person to person, but I believe that the principle applies to everyone. Here's an example of what my formula might look like:

 Jessica's Happiness = Education + Faith - Mistakes

In other words, my happiness might be maximal (I'm just gonna roll with it and assume that's a word) if I... X (complete my education as quickly as possible and begin my career) and Y (go to church every Sunday and do other things Mormon-y things that show that I have faith in God) and I make sure I never Z (stray from the model or experience any setbacks).

Freshman Yr. 2009 playing in the leaves with Jocelyn. I love this girl for so many reasons, but above everything else, I respect her unapologetic determination to embrace who she is and fight for what she wants.

Alright, I hear ya...I'm simplifying things for the sake of simplicity. 

The formula to my happiness is actually WAY more complex than this simple, three variable equation. It probably looks more like something out of my freshman calculus notebook. 

Still, the idea stands, I used to believe that there was a formula...that there was a way you're supposed to "do it." Whatever "it" is. My friend, Bex, made an interesting observation a couple of months ago about how many times I use the word "should." With that comment, I realized that I subscribe to a very prescriptive view of the world - something so deeply embedded into my nature that I have had to literally stop myself from continuing my thoughts after I say the word "should" or the phrase "supposed to" in order to analyze my biases.

But back to this idea of the formula...

If you're like me, then you mercilessly stress yourself out trying to fit the mold (whatever that mold is for you). I catch myself doing acrobatics to shape myself into the perceived ideal of a number of different "molds" - Brazilian, woman, friend, Mormon, student, wife, teacher, daughter etc. Somehow, I got the idea in my head that there's a specific look to the life I'm supposed to lead - and that I'm supposed to do it all perfectly.

That kinda pressure will snap you in half.

If we allow those pressures to govern out lives, and if we allow them to make our decisions for us, the result can be catastrophic. It will break you down into pieces so small it could seem impossible to put the authentic "you" back together. That's where I'm at today.

I'm actually surprised it took 22 years for the stress I put myself under to bend me out of shape.

High School Graduation 2009. My dad. There is an infinite list of things we disagree about, but I can never deny how much I look up to your ability to be authentically "you" no matter what. You are very stubborn, but I can only hope that God has blessed me with the same stubbornness that gives you courage to have a relentless "no-nonsence" attitude.

BUT as seemingly soul-wrecking as it is has been to stare down into the existential abyss that resulted from this awful experience, it has been a bittersweet combination of terrible and thrilling, and I'm strangely excited about where this journey will lead me.

I was about to lose it in church today. I couldn't stand the idea of sitting in Sacrament Meeting (think of it as kind of like the Catholic Mass, if that helps you), so I left midway and found a quiet room to sit in for a while. I just wanted to feel close to God for a minute (and tune out the voice in my head that I mistake for God...the one that criticizes and shames me...but the real God - the one I believe loves and cares about me and my happiness). I really struggle to tell the difference on most days.

So I went and vented to my bishop (a spiritual leader for Mormons). I told him how alienated I felt from the people in my ward (congregation). I confessed that I was bothered by how isolated I felt because of my culture, my personal struggles and circumstances, etc. I admitted that I never felt like I would never really fit in, in spite of my best efforts.

 And I gotta say - this guy is really great. He didn't tell me what I was wanted to hear, he said exactly what I needed to hear but never really thought was a possibility...

He said, "Jess - I think God values diversity a lot more than we give Him credit for. Look beyond the formula."

Wait - what??

So I could still be a faithful Mormon right now - without the perfectly manicured yard, the crying testimonies, the baked goods, the white fence, the Republican ideology, the beautiful, smiling babies, the picture-perfect marriage, the blonde, blue eyed women, the ambitious career dreams, and the fail-proof life?

I'm still okay?

And that's when it hit me. God loves me where I'm at. He wants me to be the best, authentic version of me possible. 

I do not believe in a God who wants to destroy my individuality, but I admit that I did believe that for SO long. Instead, He wants a Jessica that will honor her identity. God doesn't expect me to feign happiness, or to force myself to follow a perfect formula or to fit into a perfect mold. God wants me to be me - as I am, and trying as hard as I can to reach my potential. He doesn't want me to ever stop being me.

Especially in recent weeks, my mom has taught me that it takes a special brand of courage to love and forgive another human being. She has the strength to love without condition and to give me an infinite number of chances to earn her love when I disappoint her. In my version of heaven, God is as hardcore as my dad and as compassionate as my mother.

This probably came as a bigger shocker to myself than to the people who know me well, but I spent so much time believing that I absolutely had to fit into a certain prescribed ideal that I began to lose track of who I actually am - what I actually want - and what I actually believe in.

I stopped living an intentional life - a life I could take ownership over and be proud of. I started to live the life I thought was expected of me.

And while it's thrilling to realize this at such an early age, I recognize that it's also come at a devastatingly large price. One I never really recognized until now.

It is still a work in progress for me. 

Now that I've realized some of the traps of the formula, and the need to push past it, I'm struggling to determine what it all means for what lays ahead. I'm not sure exactly what will be the result of all this soul searching, but I am convinced that it would be an ungodly waste (and a foolish mistake) to trade a deliberately lived life filled with euphorically shed blood, sweat, and tears for a safe, untarnished life devoid of intention and meaning.

I'd rather live beyond the formula.

***

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default. J. K. Rowling

The flip-side of counting your blessings

Yesterday's post prompted a great discussion with some friends. Before I continue, I would like to note that I believe that finding happiness is a lifelong pursuit, and an on-going battle for a lot of people. I commend the efforts of those who keep fighting and moving forward, in spite of the obstacles they stumble upon along the way. 

I am amazed by the courage and tenacity of loved ones afflicted by heartache, illness, and other tragedies and setbacks. I'm humbled by the efforts of those braving through emotional, physical and spiritual turmoil - and I am honored and inspired by those who have felt comfortable enough to share their stories with me. Thank you so much. 

On that note, today I'd like to critique another conventional (and mildly inappropriate) piece of advice that has been given me when I have been down: "count your blessings." 

DISCLAIMER: I am a firm believer in the power of optimism AND of gratitude. I know that both are wonderfully effective tools that can and will enhance the lives of those who apply it to their daily lives. Having said that, today, I wish to focus on the flip-side of the optimism coin - the one where we condescendingly minimize the real disappointments of real people with real emotions.

Dinner at Red Bones with Bex - one of the bravest women I know.

Scenario:

Someone you know is feeling down, and they've mustered up the courage to admit that they are struggling. Maybe they're feeling depressed about something going on at work or at home. It's possible that they're struggling with something that is either within or outside or their control. In any case, they decided to approach you.

I really can't number how many times the following has happened to me, especially within the last few months. I also can't emphasize enough that while I understand that the council given me came from a good place, it had the opposite of the intended effect. My objective this evening is to raise awareness, and hopefully prevent well-intentioned people from inflicting emotional self-multilation on already vulnerable people.

When confiding in some, I have been met with a dangerous catch phrase: "count your blessings." 

It is actually sound advice...after all, I really believe that that life is usually good. 

So, what's the problem here?

Great question.

Ruby, you taught me one of the greatest lesson I have ever learned about strength and forgiveness. Thank you for giving me numerous second-chances. 

I'm generally a happy person. I'm healthy. I enjoy a level of comfort that suits me. I have a reassuring belief in a God that loves and cares for my personal growth and happiness. I'm well traveled. I'm also fairly accomplished for someone my age. I love my Brazilian culture, and I live in one of my favorite cities in the world. 

In other words, yeah, I'm someone who ought to be sufficiently grateful - plenty of blessings to count. 

Here's the kicker...it is that EXACT knowledge that tears me apart sometimes. I know I ought to be happy. I recognize that I have accomplished more than many dream to reach in a lifetime, and I'm only 22 years old. I know how lucky/blessed I am.

I know.

And that knowledge actually works to make me feel more hopeless when I'm feeling down. Pointing out that I have a lot to be grateful for rips from me the right to feel sad, or dissatisfied with my life. I then desperately seek to push those thoughts away...to bury the hurt, the sadness, the heartbreak. I seek to push it out of my being because it shouldn't belong there.

And the more I try, the easier it is for panic to creep in, and the harder it seems to tighten its grip around me - threatening to choke the life out of my hope.

So please consider my thoughts below.

FIRST: Please acknowledge how difficult it might be for someone to come out and admit that there's something wrong, especially within the Mormon community. Most of us feel pressured to live the illusion that we must lead perfect, holy lives, or else be publicly shamed and condemned (myself included). Many go through great lengths to hide the icky, messy details of their suffering. 

So, if someone admits to having a weakness (this is by no means unique to those who are religious), recognize that they have shown a great deal of courage…and above all else, they trusted you to not be a total d-bag. 

SECOND: Help them alleviate the stress and pressure imposed on them by their own overworked consciences by validating their feelings. It never helps to belittle someone's pain by suggesting that their problems would all go away if they were grateful enough. 

THIRD: This is a hard one for people wired like me...people taught to see the world in terms of black and white - right and wrong. Try to TRUST that your loved ones are trying their best - even if you don't get it. Nobody likes to be babied. Nobody feels empowered when their moral sense and ability to reason are being called into question.

So trust, and have faith and hope that they are trying their best to be happy, whether or not they are doing it your way. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn in my personal life, but it have helped me so much to stop judging people, and start loving them. 

Which brings me to...

FOURTH: Love them. Love is tricky. It means different things to different people. It comes in many shapes and sizes. Decide what it means for you, and then love the person who is struggling. Love them where they're at. Love them whether or not you understand their pain. Love them whether or not you agree with their actions. Love them even if you have no control over the outcome. Love them whether you feel they deserve it or not.

Just love them.

High school graduation with Clover and Neha - for me, these girls represent compassion personified.

I wish I had recognized these four principles when loved ones have looked to me for compassion and empathy in the past. I confess that I have not historically been the most understanding person. In fact, I have a pretty nasty track-record.

A few years ago, a good friend came to me with similar pains as the ones I'm experiencing today - with similar complaints and anguish of soul. I was unyielding and unkind at the time. I believed that "making the right decision" ought to be easy...because it was right, after all. I did not show my friend respect, trust or love, and I lost my best friend because of it. 

And the greatest tragedy is that I was convinced that encouraging my friend to "count blessings" and be push through the pain was the BEST POSSIBLE THING to do. I was blinded to the reality of the struggles that lay ahead. 

I beg you. Please. Don't make my same mistake. I've learned my lesson, but it's been at a great cost. 

***

I hope you'll add your thoughts to mine in the comments section below. 

I read every single comment and I appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts. 

Feel free to email me if you'd like to share your story, or ask a question about something I wrote.

On "choosing" to be happy

Okay, I have a confession to make before I dive into today's post. I love reading blogs. Seriously, I can't get enough of them. I lose hours on end scanning my favorite blogs (I wish I were exaggerating).

For me, the best blogs trigger an examination of my core values. I had one of these experiences as I was reading through one of my favorites today: a blog about love.

Today's post is a response to an article I was reading about choosing happiness, "Love Story: Will there be magic?" I recommend reading it through, and assessing your own reactions, before continuing ahead with my post.

[Stop here and read their blog post] ;)

I'm willing to bet that most people have heard some version of the "choose to be happy" speech. If you're anything like me, you might even agree that it has something worthwhile to glean. It appeals to the "pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps" mentality among many of us. We want to believe we're in control of our happiness - because if not, then who is?

...And yet, whatever warm-fuzzies this idea gives me is usually quickly eclipsed by a stronger, more urgent feeling of hot indignation.

Stay with me for a bit here...

As I've been growing up (it's a process), I've believed that a secret to happiness is discipline -- especially over the ever-changing, sometimes explosive emotions that one experiences in a lifetime: anger, hurt, sadness, love. I learned to be skeptical of my inner voice because it can lie. It can trick me. So I chose to fear it, and sometimes shun it. I chose to "be happy" in spite of what I felt.

Don't get me wrong, I agree that happiness should not be predicated upon the "if" statements of life - it ought not depend on if I get into law school, if I can take back the hurt I caused someone I love, or if I can afford to live in a great apartment in Boston (preferably with a balcony and a view).

No - my happiness shouldn't depend on whether I always get my way. So, I believe in choosing happiness as long as it means that I am sincerely finding joy in the journey in spite of what challenges arise, or what patience is required to make my dreams come true.

BUT "choosing" to be happy feels incomplete to me.

It sounds overly simplistic, no? - and maybe even a little insulting. As a human being with real passions and dreams, I find this mentality difficult to relate with. I worry that I'm being attacked for wanting more, and believing that I deserve to fight for more...so we need to further refine this idea.

Allow me to illustrate.

I had a very difficult time speaking up for myself as I progressed into my major in college. I studied International Relations - a major popular among well-informed, middle-class and politically hotheaded Caucasian males. Oy. I felt very out of place.

As an immigrant and a female, I often worried that my peers expected me to stand down. I imagined that I should be happy enough that I had made it to college at all, especially in America. I felt that I should be grateful for my full-ride scholarship, and that showing gratitude meant that I should keep my head down. I was scared of being unconventional, of sounding misinformed, and of rocking the boat. At times, I feared that if I spoke up, I would seem ungrateful.

I was so wrong for thinking this way.

And I'm scared that in "choosing" to be happy, too many people make mistakes like this one. In believing that we ought to accept our circumstances passively, we put out the fire burning within us. We pass up opportunities for greatness. We waste away our potential.

So, here are my two cents...

Choosing to be happy is not enough.

I experience a knee-jerk twinge of disgust whenever I hear that I can "choose" to be happy because it feels like these voices are pressing me to settle for less, which is completely against my nature, my faith, and the God I believe in. It feels like I am being told that I should be less than what I am capable of.

As well-intentioned as it seems, I fear that those voices would have be embrace silent mediocrity and fall into submission to voices louder, and stronger than my own.

And mediocrity makes me cringe. It might be my greatest fear - to reach for less than what I am capable of achieving. To live less, laugh less, speak less, love less than I am able.

It's difficult to draw a line between finding joy in the journey and resigning myself to unfortunate circumstances.

I've made terrible mistakes as I've tried to strike that balance.

I could have spoken up more in college, in spite of my insecurities. I could have learned more by being willing to risk failure. I could have fought more and waited more for the things I wanted most - the things I loved. Instead, I shrunk back. I chose to accept my circumstances and succumb to them, and I regret it every day.

So here's my theory:

Instead of "choosing to be happy," I'd rather choose to be the master of my fate (See "Invictus" by William E Henley).

I believe in being happy about where you're headed. I believe in finding beauty in your best efforts, even when they are not enough...even when you fail. And you will fail, beautifully.

I believe in letting go of the things that we can't change...but fighting like hell for the things we want that are within our control.

There is NO way that I'm ever going to subscribe to the "this-is-good-enough" mentality. I never want to shrink back because of fear or pressure, though it's tempting and incredibly comfortable.

I believe there is glory in giving your dreams your all, even if giving it your all means you fail - and I have failed, time and time again - at a great cost to myself and those I love most...but I believe that failure can become a sacred experience that unites mankind with deity as we avidly seek to become better, and to learn from our mistakes, and press on igniting the fire burning within our souls.

So, yeah, I'll choose to be happy.

I'll choose to try to let go of the past wrongs I can never take back - those that still keep me up at night. I'll believe that there is grace and forgiveness, even for someone as mixed up as me.

But I will never be "fine" with being less than what I'm capable of being. I refuse to settle and accept the cards I've been dealt. I refuse to go down without a good fight. I refuse to give up on my passions, my loves, my dreams.

I am the captain of my soul.