On Mormon media choices: what to consider when "what-would-Jesus-do" fails

Today's post requires some background. There's a popular article floating about the Mormon facebook scene called "Stop it with the R-Rated Movies Thing." I found the article itself fairly mild, but I had to stop myself from laughing and cringing at some of the response it received, and the discussions it brought on. The following post is a response to some of the comments found below the article.

Two comments stuck out to me: one which suggested that the world is always black and white (so you're either on God's side or against it?) and another that stated that if Jesus wouldn't do something, than that makes the action not worthwhile, and perhaps even evil. The following is my response to both comments.

Also, today's post will mainly target a Mormon audience, and those familiar with Mormon culture. Some ideas might be difficult to understand from the outside, but I did my best to reference and add details where I thought it might help those who were curious to read on.

Feel free to add your own ideas below.

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Okay, you're right. I'm not sure that Jesus would sit down and watch The Green Mile with me, or any movie for that matter. We'd have WAY bigger things to do - things I'd rather do if Jesus just decided to pop in for a visit…like discuss what on earth I'm doing with my life, whether He understands the decisions I've made, and if He thinks I'm an okay person in spite of mistakes x, y and z…maybe we'd go fishing and talk philosophy.

So I believe that "what-would-Jesus-do?" is sometimes a weak argument, even though it might be incredibly inspiring under the right circumstances.

There are a LOT of things that Jesus would do and would not do that have nothing to do with morality. People are motivated to act by a number of different things - values, personalities, culture, preferences - to name a few. Many actions do NOT fit into a neat morality box. In fact, I'm going to argue that MOST decisions we are asked to make do not easily fit into a black and white morality box, and that this is done on purpose to make us more beautiful human beings.

I choose to share this picture because I want to point out that weddings customs vary between cultures, but that doesn't make it wrong. For instance, you don't have to wear white to have a legitimate wedding that pleases God. God does not "command in all things" (D&C 58:26). He actually wants us to choose and to make decisions. Not everything is clearly defined for us. We're not meant to be lazy thinkers.

Think about it this way…if Jesus were around, He might have bigger things to do than join the Boy Scouts, play the piano, play volleyball, or eat out at a very fancy restaurant with his disciples…Jesus might not wear what I wear or listen to the music I listen to, but that doesn't make those activities inherently evil. Not everything is a matter of morality…good and evil. Sometimes things are just a matter of personality or preference. Please read the following comment from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (a well-known and respected Mormon spiritual leader).

Sometimes we confuse differences in personality with sin. We can even make the mistake of thinking that because someone is different from us, it must mean they are not pleasing to God. This line of thinking leads some to believe that the Church wants to create every member from a single mold—that each one should look, feel, think, and behave like every other. This would contradict the genius of God, who created every man different from his brother, every son different from his father. Even identical twins are not identical in their personalities and spiritual identities (Read the full talk [sermon] here).

Sure, some things are black and white...but we don't live in a black/white world, especially once you've got things like "thou shalt not steal" down on lock. C'mon. And even then, if some poor kid is hungry and starving down in Brazil because he was born under inopportune financial circumstances, I reserve the right to believe that God will not condemn him or her for stealing food. Things are complicated. Life is a very complex place for everyone. 

Here's another example. I went to BYU-Idaho for college. Did God expect me to go there? Probably not, but I bet He expected me to learn life lessons from the experiences I created at whichever institution I chose to attend. He expected me to choose where I wanted to go to school and what profession I wanted to pursue, and to lean into my power to choose. I'm learning more everyday that life is all about choices.

As far as I'm concerned, a HUGE part of mortal life is learning to navigate the gray with the help of the Spirit (what you might identify as a conscience), which guides us individually when we don't have clear cut answers like "thou shalt not kill." And again, even in the Bible (Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac in Genesis 22) and Book of Mormon (Nephi slayed Laban in 1 Nephi 4:10 for the greater good of mankind) we find examples of times when God allowed for variation under special circumstances because we live in a complex and imperfect world, and a specific situation might call for unique actions. 

So, killing people? Not okay, generally speaking. 

But even with something most people can agree on, like taking away someone's life, things get complicated. We live in a world where war unfortunately exists, and where self defense might bring harm to a perpetrator. Does that make it okay? No. But should we condemn soldiers, for instance? I'm gonna say absolutely not, even though I'm not the biggest fan of warfare.

We're on earth to learn to live a higher law than the basics…to learn and become incredibly and willfully awesome… not to blindly follow, so I resent some of the comments that admonished me to "just do it." I don't buy into that kind of psychology. I believe in a God that wants me to care about the choices I make, whose entire purpose for putting me on this earth was to learn to choose. By Mormon doctrine, blind "obedience" was Satan's idea. Our Heavenly Father wanted us to learn and become more like them...agents unto ourselves...not silly puppets being controlled without thought or without wrestling with complicated things. 

A really good friend once admitted to me that he worried that Mormon religion made people stop thinking because it was too easy to just go with the flow and buy into the culture. He was afraid that it made it easy for me to forget to live purposefully. I fought him so hard when he suggested it - I was very upset. I did not want to accept it. But if I'm being honest, I actually can see the danger associated with going with the flow...not just for Mormons, but for group of people who allow common trends and popular ideas to govern their own thinking without ever really questioning them. It's really easy to, especially on things that are not morally black and white. My hope is that we never forget to live - really live - a thoughtful life.

So back to our topic: watching rated-R movies. 

Personally, I don't have a problem with anyone who chooses not to watch rated-R movies. I had some roommates in college who chose to take it one step further and watch only PG movies because that works for them. That's great. It doesn't work for me, but it's for them to decide. I've got enough problems of my own to keep me busy. 

For my Mormon friends, Article of Faith 11 encourages us to worship according to the dictates of our conscience and allowing all others the privilege to do the same. Boy, I did NOT understand that as a teenager, and I was incredibly judgmental because of it. I was young, so I'm not gonna lose sleep over it, but I did miss out on some great opportunities to learn about empathy, compassion, and true love.

Scroll down on the above link and you'll find that Article 13 invites us to seek after all things that are of good report and praiseworthy. That search for truth and good can come in a VERY diverse way for different people. Remember the words of President Uchtdorf, we are not meant to all be one mold. We're meant to bring our diversity to the table and to unite as a human race. In face, here's another quote I love from President Uchtdorf:

One might ask, “If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?” 

Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple... 

In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restored by a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the Church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves. (Read full talk here).

And for those reasons, I choose to not make it my responsibility to fight people who want to watch a rated-R movie, or to judge them as wrong. It's up to each person to decide how to live the gospel in their lives. It's not up to me, or to anyone else.

Having watched The Green Mile, I have to say that the message that sticks with me was not what some suggested in the comments. It was not "let's have crazy amounts of lustful sex and commit random acts of horrible violence"…In fact, it taught me the exact opposite.

The Green Mile taught me about the value of sacrifice, and of being a the best person you know how to be no matter what cost. I inspired me to actively fight against racism and discrimination, and how being close-minded makes people act like idiots and make regrettable decisions. It also reminded me that miracles can come from the most unexpected places. 

My take away revolved around the idea that I should believe in the good that exists within people and that I should continuously keep giving out good, in spite of the awful things that happen in this world, or the hurtful things that happen to me…in spite of how bad people can be (or how bad I can be at times)...there is still hope.

Yeah, I'm the kind of Mormon that watches rated-R movies. NOT ALL OF THEM. Just like I don't watch all PG-13 movies, or PG movies. I think about the things I watch, and decide if it's worth my time. I didn't exactly grow up in a culture that taught me in this clean cut way. There is no MPAA ratings in Brazil, so I evaluate and make educated decisions about the kind of entertainment I engage in.

In spite of that, I still think I'm a solid person that God wants on His side. Trust me, I've done worst, but I still believe I'm worth saving. 

I am not either a good, God loving person or not because I live a "gray" lifestyle. I sincerely hope to never believe life is that simple. I don't believe growth can happen if we never open ourselves up to the idea that we might not have all the information, and that other people might see something I don't see somewhere I don't see it.

Here's a thought from a great article I read this week on Feminist Mormon Housewives:

My hope for my church, and ultimately for the world, is a community of open-minded individuals who don’t see the differences between us as a line in the sand that segregates and fuels our fears, but embraces these differences and celebrates that we are all children of Heavenly Parents who made us this way with a divine purpose. 

I believe a lot of life is how you interpret it.

So if you watch The Green Mile because you wanna get off on depicted scenes of rape or murder, than that might be what you take away...but it's not what everyone takes away.

Bottom line: I'm not going to tell another Mormon that they can't find good in questionable places because I know I'm still good... and I'm fairly questionable. I'm also not gonna say you NEED to watch it to learn the above lessons. You don't. You can learn them in different ways. So, just do what works for you, and keep it between you and the God you believe in.

You are right though…I might not sit and watch the 3+ hour movie with Jesus if He dropped in for a random visit some day, but I would definitely discuss some of those controversial take aways with Him, maybe over some raspberry-flavored tea, and hope that He could help me shed some light onto some of the questions I still have about life.

Beyond the formula

I've always been wired to follow the formula.

X + Y - Z = My Happiness

Of course, the variables differ from person to person, but I believe that the principle applies to everyone. Here's an example of what my formula might look like:

 Jessica's Happiness = Education + Faith - Mistakes

In other words, my happiness might be maximal (I'm just gonna roll with it and assume that's a word) if I... X (complete my education as quickly as possible and begin my career) and Y (go to church every Sunday and do other things Mormon-y things that show that I have faith in God) and I make sure I never Z (stray from the model or experience any setbacks).

Freshman Yr. 2009 playing in the leaves with Jocelyn. I love this girl for so many reasons, but above everything else, I respect her unapologetic determination to embrace who she is and fight for what she wants.

Alright, I hear ya...I'm simplifying things for the sake of simplicity. 

The formula to my happiness is actually WAY more complex than this simple, three variable equation. It probably looks more like something out of my freshman calculus notebook. 

Still, the idea stands, I used to believe that there was a formula...that there was a way you're supposed to "do it." Whatever "it" is. My friend, Bex, made an interesting observation a couple of months ago about how many times I use the word "should." With that comment, I realized that I subscribe to a very prescriptive view of the world - something so deeply embedded into my nature that I have had to literally stop myself from continuing my thoughts after I say the word "should" or the phrase "supposed to" in order to analyze my biases.

But back to this idea of the formula...

If you're like me, then you mercilessly stress yourself out trying to fit the mold (whatever that mold is for you). I catch myself doing acrobatics to shape myself into the perceived ideal of a number of different "molds" - Brazilian, woman, friend, Mormon, student, wife, teacher, daughter etc. Somehow, I got the idea in my head that there's a specific look to the life I'm supposed to lead - and that I'm supposed to do it all perfectly.

That kinda pressure will snap you in half.

If we allow those pressures to govern out lives, and if we allow them to make our decisions for us, the result can be catastrophic. It will break you down into pieces so small it could seem impossible to put the authentic "you" back together. That's where I'm at today.

I'm actually surprised it took 22 years for the stress I put myself under to bend me out of shape.

High School Graduation 2009. My dad. There is an infinite list of things we disagree about, but I can never deny how much I look up to your ability to be authentically "you" no matter what. You are very stubborn, but I can only hope that God has blessed me with the same stubbornness that gives you courage to have a relentless "no-nonsence" attitude.

BUT as seemingly soul-wrecking as it is has been to stare down into the existential abyss that resulted from this awful experience, it has been a bittersweet combination of terrible and thrilling, and I'm strangely excited about where this journey will lead me.

I was about to lose it in church today. I couldn't stand the idea of sitting in Sacrament Meeting (think of it as kind of like the Catholic Mass, if that helps you), so I left midway and found a quiet room to sit in for a while. I just wanted to feel close to God for a minute (and tune out the voice in my head that I mistake for God...the one that criticizes and shames me...but the real God - the one I believe loves and cares about me and my happiness). I really struggle to tell the difference on most days.

So I went and vented to my bishop (a spiritual leader for Mormons). I told him how alienated I felt from the people in my ward (congregation). I confessed that I was bothered by how isolated I felt because of my culture, my personal struggles and circumstances, etc. I admitted that I never felt like I would never really fit in, in spite of my best efforts.

 And I gotta say - this guy is really great. He didn't tell me what I was wanted to hear, he said exactly what I needed to hear but never really thought was a possibility...

He said, "Jess - I think God values diversity a lot more than we give Him credit for. Look beyond the formula."

Wait - what??

So I could still be a faithful Mormon right now - without the perfectly manicured yard, the crying testimonies, the baked goods, the white fence, the Republican ideology, the beautiful, smiling babies, the picture-perfect marriage, the blonde, blue eyed women, the ambitious career dreams, and the fail-proof life?

I'm still okay?

And that's when it hit me. God loves me where I'm at. He wants me to be the best, authentic version of me possible. 

I do not believe in a God who wants to destroy my individuality, but I admit that I did believe that for SO long. Instead, He wants a Jessica that will honor her identity. God doesn't expect me to feign happiness, or to force myself to follow a perfect formula or to fit into a perfect mold. God wants me to be me - as I am, and trying as hard as I can to reach my potential. He doesn't want me to ever stop being me.

Especially in recent weeks, my mom has taught me that it takes a special brand of courage to love and forgive another human being. She has the strength to love without condition and to give me an infinite number of chances to earn her love when I disappoint her. In my version of heaven, God is as hardcore as my dad and as compassionate as my mother.

This probably came as a bigger shocker to myself than to the people who know me well, but I spent so much time believing that I absolutely had to fit into a certain prescribed ideal that I began to lose track of who I actually am - what I actually want - and what I actually believe in.

I stopped living an intentional life - a life I could take ownership over and be proud of. I started to live the life I thought was expected of me.

And while it's thrilling to realize this at such an early age, I recognize that it's also come at a devastatingly large price. One I never really recognized until now.

It is still a work in progress for me. 

Now that I've realized some of the traps of the formula, and the need to push past it, I'm struggling to determine what it all means for what lays ahead. I'm not sure exactly what will be the result of all this soul searching, but I am convinced that it would be an ungodly waste (and a foolish mistake) to trade a deliberately lived life filled with euphorically shed blood, sweat, and tears for a safe, untarnished life devoid of intention and meaning.

I'd rather live beyond the formula.

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It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default. J. K. Rowling

A Written Prayer

[Written this past weekend, but never posted.]

I've been told it helps to write down your prayers.

 

I wonder whether some believe it makes your thoughts clearer or more coherent...in doing so, perhaps, you give your prayers greater focus, and therefore, a greater purpose. Maybe writing down a prayer makes the whole praying experience more meaningful.

 

Or perhaps they believe that writing down a prayer has some sort of therapeutic effect on the mind...it might help you to make sense of things on your own before you take it up to God...then that way, He can help you with the rest knowing that you did your very best to figure things out alone first. He might, after all, appreciate the fact that you put forth some effort before asking for help. I imagine I would want to know that someone tried to figure things out on their own before asking for help. Maybe He does too. Maybe not.

 

Maybe writing down a prayer is like utilizing a kind of divine learning technique, you know? Kind of like when a teacher gives you 10 seconds to silently write down an answer to their question before talking it out with a partner or sharing with the whole class. They say the mere act of writing something down helps you to learn because you have to put it into your own words...and you have to actually know what on earth you are talking about. It triggers something within you and becomes forever embedded in your memory.

 

At least that's what I have heard.

 

So I thought I would try it out..after all I am a self proclaimed writer...and I think I should give this a chance...because I have exhausted many of my own methods of coping and finding guidance, and this couldn't hurt.

 

I also think a part of me truly believes that putting this out into the internet is kind of like pushing it out into the universe. So maybe God will have an easier time hearing me out from all the way down here...as foolish as that may sound.

 

So here it goes.

 

God,

 

I've lost my way. No matter how often I try to pick up the pieces of a shattered person, I feel unable to put myself together.Somewhere in my past I lost a part of me. An essential part, and no matter how earnestly I try to fill that void, I can't help but wonder why.

 

I'm not sure if this will make any sense, but I used to have all the answers. And they used to matter so much. But not anymore. Not now. I can only think about the person I was and long after her. Like Lot's wife, I do nothing but look back. Was she so wrong?

 

I'm looking back to the life I once had. The life I knew. Full of regret. Full of questions. Full of desire. The grass greener on the other end. I see it now. And while I know I shouldn't, I want it back. I want my life the way it was. Is that so bad? I want to struggle, and fight, and feel. If it means I feel more pain, I can deal with it.

 

They laugh at me when I say it, but it's a crisis. You're too young to have an identity crisis. Too young to know what pain is. Too young to know what life is really about....That's what they say. Too young, too rash, too impulsive. Too selfish.

 

Well, yeah. Maybe I am.

 

Whether I'm young enough or not, I'm living it. And life doesn't seem to mind that I'm too young to be hurt. It doesn't seem to be holding back, so why should I? Why should I set myself aside. I feel like I don't matter to you anymore.

 

What do I want? I don't know anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I need some light. Some direction.

 

Are you even up there?

 

Can you even hear my prayer?

I need you now. Just give me a way out of this confusion. Just stop me before I walk away.

 

I've lost my trust. My conviction. My faith.

 

But I'm still here.

 

Waiting. Please.

 

Amen.