Yesterday's post prompted a great discussion with some friends. Before I continue, I would like to note that I believe that finding happiness is a lifelong pursuit, and an on-going battle for a lot of people. I commend the efforts of those who keep fighting and moving forward, in spite of the obstacles they stumble upon along the way.
I am amazed by the courage and tenacity of loved ones afflicted by heartache, illness, and other tragedies and setbacks. I'm humbled by the efforts of those braving through emotional, physical and spiritual turmoil - and I am honored and inspired by those who have felt comfortable enough to share their stories with me. Thank you so much.
On that note, today I'd like to critique another conventional (and mildly inappropriate) piece of advice that has been given me when I have been down: "count your blessings."
DISCLAIMER: I am a firm believer in the power of optimism AND of gratitude. I know that both are wonderfully effective tools that can and will enhance the lives of those who apply it to their daily lives. Having said that, today, I wish to focus on the flip-side of the optimism coin - the one where we condescendingly minimize the real disappointments of real people with real emotions.
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| Dinner at Red Bones with Bex - one of the bravest women I know. |
Scenario:
Someone you know is feeling down, and they've mustered up the courage to admit that they are struggling. Maybe they're feeling depressed about something going on at work or at home. It's possible that they're struggling with something that is either within or outside or their control. In any case, they decided to approach you.
I really can't number how many times the following has happened to me, especially within the last few months. I also can't emphasize enough that while I understand that the council given me came from a good place, it had the opposite of the intended effect. My objective this evening is to raise awareness, and hopefully prevent well-intentioned people from inflicting emotional self-multilation on already vulnerable people.
When confiding in some, I have been met with a dangerous catch phrase: "count your blessings."
It is actually sound advice...after all, I really believe that that life is usually good.
So, what's the problem here?
Great question.
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| Ruby, you taught me one of the greatest lesson I have ever learned about strength and forgiveness. Thank you for giving me numerous second-chances. |
I'm generally a happy person. I'm healthy. I enjoy a level of comfort that suits me. I have a reassuring belief in a God that loves and cares for my personal growth and happiness. I'm well traveled. I'm also fairly accomplished for someone my age. I love my Brazilian culture, and I live in one of my favorite cities in the world.
In other words, yeah, I'm someone who ought to be sufficiently grateful - plenty of blessings to count.
Here's the kicker...it is that EXACT knowledge that tears me apart sometimes. I know I ought to be happy. I recognize that I have accomplished more than many dream to reach in a lifetime, and I'm only 22 years old. I know how lucky/blessed I am.
I know.
And that knowledge actually works to make me feel more hopeless when I'm feeling down. Pointing out that I have a lot to be grateful for rips from me the right to feel sad, or dissatisfied with my life. I then desperately seek to push those thoughts away...to bury the hurt, the sadness, the heartbreak. I seek to push it out of my being because it shouldn't belong there.
And the more I try, the easier it is for panic to creep in, and the harder it seems to tighten its grip around me - threatening to choke the life out of my hope.
So please consider my thoughts below.
FIRST: Please acknowledge how difficult it might be for someone to come out and admit that there's something wrong, especially within the Mormon community. Most of us feel pressured to live the illusion that we must lead perfect, holy lives, or else be publicly shamed and condemned (myself included). Many go through great lengths to hide the icky, messy details of their suffering.
So, if someone admits to having a weakness (this is by no means unique to those who are religious), recognize that they have shown a great deal of courage…and above all else, they trusted you to not be a total d-bag.
SECOND: Help them alleviate the stress and pressure imposed on them by their own overworked consciences by validating their feelings. It never helps to belittle someone's pain by suggesting that their problems would all go away if they were grateful enough.
THIRD: This is a hard one for people wired like me...people taught to see the world in terms of black and white - right and wrong. Try to TRUST that your loved ones are trying their best - even if you don't get it. Nobody likes to be babied. Nobody feels empowered when their moral sense and ability to reason are being called into question.
So trust, and have faith and hope that they are trying their best to be happy, whether or not they are doing it your way. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn in my personal life, but it have helped me so much to stop judging people, and start loving them.
Which brings me to...
FOURTH: Love them. Love is tricky. It means different things to different people. It comes in many shapes and sizes. Decide what it means for you, and then love the person who is struggling. Love them where they're at. Love them whether or not you understand their pain. Love them whether or not you agree with their actions. Love them even if you have no control over the outcome. Love them whether you feel they deserve it or not.
Just love them.
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| High school graduation with Clover and Neha - for me, these girls represent compassion personified. |
I wish I had recognized these four principles when loved ones have looked to me for compassion and empathy in the past. I confess that I have not historically been the most understanding person. In fact, I have a pretty nasty track-record.
A few years ago, a good friend came to me with similar pains as the ones I'm experiencing today - with similar complaints and anguish of soul. I was unyielding and unkind at the time. I believed that "making the right decision" ought to be easy...because it was right, after all. I did not show my friend respect, trust or love, and I lost my best friend because of it.
And the greatest tragedy is that I was convinced that encouraging my friend to "count blessings" and be push through the pain was the BEST POSSIBLE THING to do. I was blinded to the reality of the struggles that lay ahead.
I beg you. Please. Don't make my same mistake. I've learned my lesson, but it's been at a great cost.
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I hope you'll add your thoughts to mine in the comments section below.
I read every single comment and I appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.
Feel free to email me if you'd like to share your story, or ask a question about something I wrote.
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