A response to Kate Kelly's excommunication

Disclaimer: I have not chosen a side in this ideological debate... yet - perhaps I never will. I have so many emotional ties to both sides of the case of Kate Kelly's excommunication, and I feel like a whole person being asked to tear herself in half when I'm pressured to choose one. I haven't been able to. I can neither condemn the leaders of the LDS church and the institution as a whole, nor can I condemn Kate Kelly's Ordain Women and advocacy for women's issues.

When I think of the General Authorities, I think of men who are generally kind. You might think me naive, but I remember the first time my searching eyes met with Pres. Eyring's when I was 18 years old and choosing between attending a church-affiliated university over an ivy league offering me a full ride scholarship. I wanted so desperately to just make the right decision.

On a college-visit sponsored by local clergy,a small group of us had a private visit from Eyring, a present-day prophet of the Mormon faith. I could tell from our short communication that he sincerely cared for me (a complete stranger).

In a hardened world, before me stood a man with a soft heart (a difficult task for men growing up in a society that tells them it is desirable to be unfeeling and powerful). He was willing to give of his time and love to total strangers. I do not know any of the leaders of the Mormon faith personally beyond that encounter, but I cannot imagine them as men who willfully harm or choose to bring about suffering. Though some of their decisions may lead to such, I cannot believe their intention is ever to do so. And in spite of the popular claim that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions," I happen to believe that the road to heaven is not built much differently.

And so, in regards to Kate Kelly...I must testify that I know what it is like to be a woman that does not fit a particular stereotype in this day and age. I KNOW what it is like to wish that it were possible for you to shed your flesh in shame as a result of the regret some would bestow on us for having been born a woman. I know the opportunities that are missed, the pressures that are experiences, the harassment and embarrassment that are possible, and the precautions one must develop as a sixth sense.

I also know what it is like to be a woman in the gospel - a woman who does not fit a certain mold and whose ideas sometimes seem contrary to popular opinion...but not the gospel doctrine in and of itself...to be a woman who wishes to follow Christ and live his gospel as is interpreted by the LDS faith, while simultaneously living a life that is authentic and honorable to you.

Do I personally align myself with OW? No...not quite. I can't...because I actually don't feel equipped to make that decision yet.

However, it would not rock my world or shatter my religious foundation to admit that I do not feel at peace with the current practices we have surrounding the treatment of women in the LDS Church. It would not rock my world were it to be revealed that women too may hold the priesthood. I cannot truthfully state that I would be disappointed or devastated with such an outcome.

I found it hear-wrenching to learn of Kelly's excommunication yesterday (not necessarily because I have an incredibly strong conviction of whether or not her punishment was warranted, but because of the subsequent ideological warfare that ensued).

And I will not stand behind either condemnation. I cannot. I know better.

 So my heart goes out to you and to us...it goes out to my dear friend Ruby, with whom I mourned when I heard the news and whose grief has been so real she felt inclined to ask me to try to make sense of these feelings we are having because we cannot do it alone.

Maybe that's the mark we're missing?